To love or not to love by Estelle Koch

To love or not to love.  Well, the world seems to be in an interesting spot – nothing new, I am sure, but interesting nonetheless. Sometime ago I sent out a timeline, indicating interesting movements of planets, including the Venus transiting the Sun during the next 3 days. This is apparently really important for the divine masculine/ feminine integration, but from my point of view – and I am afraid I am not very clued up on astrology – and knowing that Venus is the symbol of love, I cannot help but wonder is this is not why, right now, there is so much confusion and focus on relationships all round.

Each and every one of us is currently being pushed to marry, within ourselves, our divine masculine and divine feminine in order for us to realize our divine child, living on this Earth as Jesus came to show us we could, with unconditional love, compassion, trust, faith and joy. If we are out of balance in either our masculine (focus, determination, discipline, structure, hierarchy, material security etc) or feminine aspects (creativity, nurturing, spontaneity, flowing, playful, passive), we may find that our relationships reflect that. The interesting thing is that we may not see that in our marriages or long term relationships, as many take these for granted and simply exist within them, not taking the time for regular introspection or for seeking their lessons. Our partners are our subtle teachers, unless we are desperately unhappy in the relationship or on the other side of the scale, totally open and honest about our feelings. In the second instance, people will talk about what bothers them and together find ways to open and cleanse the wounds, being the healing salve for one another, penetrating to the core of the wounds.

In the first instance, however, they become so adept at ‘coping’ that they head for that river in Egypt – fondly known as De Nile (or denial), where they will romp and riot whilst slowly drowning their truth as they bob along the rapids on their way to uncertainty and insanity. It is normally whilst on this holiday from emotions, that a person will then stumble, unsuspecting, upon someone who will be the epitomy of everything he or she has ever sought or dreamt of – from his/her partner and, ultimately from themselves.

When reading the FAQ’s below, you may or may not recognize fragments of your own being, situations or fears, or those of someone close to you. I cannot stress enough that I will not be dealing with the answers to these questions, because each and every one of them has to do with the questioner – and absolutely nothing with the other person involved. Indulge me . . .

Frequently Asked Questions :

· I love two people and feel totally torn as I am on the fence because of them being so totally different. The one I love with all my heart, whereas I care deeply for the one that I have spent 15 years with, but do not love in the same manner and intensity?

· I am having to make a decision about my relationship, but am really afraid that I am making a mistake and will regret it later if I do choose to leave. How can I tell if this is right for me?

· I have not met someone else, but feel totally unfulfilled in my current relationship. I feel bad about hurting my partner and do not feel that I can do this to him or her. Should I just stay and try to make it work, or must I leave?

· My partner has told me that he/she no longer feels happy in our relationship. I am devastated and will do anything to heal our relationship. How do I know if I am holding on for the right reasons?

· I thought that I was totally happy in my relationship until recently, when my partner told me she wanted out. I am devastated by this, yet there is a small part of me that can recognize, when I allow myself to be totally honest, that wants more, that holds out hope for a more rewarding relationship and that makes me feel it may all be better in the long run . . . is this crazy?

· I have met my soul mate. When I am with this person, I feel absolutely complete and at home. Although I am currently married, I am seriously considering giving up everything to be with this person. Will I regret it later?

· Although I absolutely love my partner and our life as a family together, I feel totally unloved by my partner. I have worked hard to create a happy, loving home for my husband and children to come home to, but very seldom receive any love, compliments, romance, intimacy or ‘special times’ with my partner. This makes me feel proud of what I have created, but lonely, isolated, unworthy and desperately unhappy, especially when he always compliments others in my presence. What do I do?

· I have a very special friend whom I met before I met my husband. He has since gotten married and I have now been married for 10 years. Throughout the years we have had sporadic contact and I would lie if I did not admit that this always causes butterflies for me. He has now moved to the same town as where we live and we have seen each other on a number of occasions, Although the excitement has not left me and I anticipate every meeting with joy, I have come to realize that the dream I always had about us was a bit of fallacy and that I am not sure I would really want a long term relationship with him as I had always anticipated. Is it possible that I he is not my soul mate or that, if he is, we are not meant to be together? I have considered leaving my husband to be with him.

· I have told my partner that I am no longer happy in our relationship and would like to leave. He has now become totally clingy, wanting to make up to me for everything that he feels he may have done wrong, is demanding, wanting to know what I need and want and what he can do to make me stay. He switches between being desperate and needy and angry, suspicious and resentful, whilst I am fluctuating between guilt, anger, resentment and doubt. How do I handle the situation to be as considerate and honest as possible for both our sakes?

Now that’s a mouthful, don’t you think?

Before I continue this, there are one or two things that I would like to clarify.

Please remember when visiting or consulting with sangomas, clair-people (-voyant, audient, sentient etc), tarot readers, numerologist, astrologists etc., whether about relationships or anything else, that any information given to you, whether accurate or not, is given to you as guidance and for direction – and not as absolute. First and foremost, we have all been given the gift of free will. This is a powerful gift that we have used with much dedication in the past, but because of the lower vibration of the planet, manifestation of thoughts and choices were delayed and often not brought into consciousness with what is taking place – this is the basic premise of delayed gratification. Now however, things have changed thoughts and decisions are manifesting nearly immediately. We cannot take this lightly – believe me, as I am seeing daily how readings and circumstances change based on people changing their minds. The other thing to remember is the power that people bring to manifestation and their level of consciousness. If you are seeing someone whom you are totally dedicated to but that person questions or doubts the relationship, that can change the energy surrounding the situation entirely – each person has an energy input, and the strength of it has much to do with how aligned that person’s energy is with their decisions and how focused they are. The other thing to remember when asking about a relationship is that you may be shown a relationship would be ‘right’ or ‘ good’ for you, but then it turns out to be quite a difficult or short term relationship. This does not necessarily mean that it is bad for you – for it may have brought you challenges and lessons that you needed to learn before you could commit to a life partner, your children, your family or yourself. ‘Good’ is a pretty loaded and relative term – and one should take care when looking at it or asking about it.

Nobody has the answer to your questions – anybody has and sees only potential – what you and other parties involved does with it, remains your choice and your responsibility. Do not allow anyone else to dictate the outcome of your life – it is yours to live, your question to answer and you alone will be accountable for the outcome of your choices at the end of the day.

When I speak of soul mates, I am referring to two people who belong to the same soul group. These people normally have a sense of belonging, of finishing each other’s sentences, a sense of coming home, they ‘recognize’ one another and they feel absolutely safe. There is a chemistry which comes from being recognized, from a deep desire to belong and an intense need to know oneself which is answered by this being that so directly reflects your soul needs. They will often claim that they are not understood, that no-one else ´gets’them the same way you do and that they felt unfulfilled until you came along – feelings that mirror your own.

When you meet a soul mate who has embraced the challenge of personal and spiritual growth and who has learnt to take accountability for their own actions, their own lives and their future, it could be quite a challenging situation as they will push and shove you to reach higher, to do more of what they believe you should be, of what they believe you need to be in order to heal the greater wound of your soul. They will see their own issues reflected in your issues or ’perceived ‘ shortcomings and will push and shove until you ‘fix’ what they consider is wrong.

This relationship, although very intense and at times so incredible, can make people give up their lives, only to find that, down the line, they have become the product of someone else’s design and that they are at once locked into a sense of belonging and yet desperately alone.

On the other side of the spectrum, there are soul companions. These people will come at you from out of the blue, they will challenge you and motivate you to be more of who you are, to not only recognize, but achieve your higher potential, they will show you new horizons and inspire you to reach them. This will not always be an easy ride, for they will want what is best for you, loving your Light and your beauty – and seeing that which you do not always choose to own. More often than not, these will be people who are quite independent and able to walk away from a relationship that does not serve them. I read once that ‘the one who reasons the most is the one who loves the least’. I do not recall where I read that, but I have since learnt to question that, for as I have journeyed through my own life and walked the path with many others, I have come to realize that we simply cannot simplify people and things like that. I have come to realize that ones who are able to reason enough to walk away rather than see another potentially hurt, could be the one who loves the most, for it would be exactly this love that would give them the strength to make such a choice and sustain them through the process.

Soul companions will always want to see you become who YOU are, not who they want you to become. They can be really difficult to be around for they will find it really difficult to tolerate your excuses and if, as mentioned above, they are in a process of personal and spiritual development where they have developed a strong sense of self, they will be committed to being the best person they can be in order to bring that to the relationship – and will not tolerate anything that will interfere with that process either. Relationships with a soul companion can be challenging as it will always allow space for each partner to grow and, if it goes belly up, will do so passionately. This is not the type of relationship that will see love dying while the flame is burning low, as in the case of soul mates, for the love will never die between soul companions. They will love to the end and beyond. They have the type of relationships where they will fight over everything during the divorce as they both want what is best and are too passionate to get down and real about it, but once that fire is tamed, they will be able to dance the first dance at their daughter’s wedding without throwing daggers at each other, remembering always why and what they loved about the other initially.

How then, do you make decisions regarding your life, what you want and who you want to be with?

It is quite simple, really. You have to start by looking at the concept of integrity. If you were to look this up in the Thesaurus, you would find words such as honesty, truth, truthfulness, honor and reliability there. The first question then would be whether or not you live your life with integrity. Simple, and most would answer affirmatively. In other words, if you could say that you conuct your life with absolute truth and honesty, you are pretty much halfway there. This means that you tell yourself no lies. You absolutely acknowledge and honor your feelings and that you are totally honest with your partner. If you are unsure of whether or not you love the other person, you are honest with them about that as well. If you feel that you cannot be honest with your partner for fear of hurting his or her feelings, you are able to say so. Anything else would be a lie. Living a lie like this means not honoring yourself or your truth, and that means living without honor or integrity. Would you want to be able to live with someone who upholds such values?

When we as human beings act out of integrity, it shows in our demeanor. When people are unhappy in their work situation, they tend to pay less attention to detail, drop the ball at crucial times, neglect to pay attention, give poor customer satisfaction – and no matter how much we may deny this, we know it – and when we know that we are delivering below standard, we feel guilty and become defensive and, in the process, our self esteem is eroded. Relationships are exactly the same, except here our guilt drives us to direct our feelings of inadequacy at our partners. Now why would we do this? Simple – the things about them that irritates us or pushes our buttons are the very things that we need to address in our lives. So – if your partner is possessive, the question to ask is whether or not you are possessive or whether, maybe, you do not show any interest in what your partner does at all, thus appearing uncaring. Take a good hard look at the things about your partner that you feel are driving you from your relationship and then turn it around and see how or what it reflects of you – I guarantee, if you are honest, you may just be surprised.

Many of the people I speak to tell me that they cannot do x,y or z, because they feel they cannot hurt another or, even worse, their children. Sadly for us, in some ways, the children that are now coming into our lives are extremely sensitive, honest and bold. They know, without question, when things are not right. Lovers, whether we want to admit it or not, also know when things are not right – bodies don’t lie! In both instances, neither parties may prefer not to acknowledge what is going on but, by lying, we are effectively underestimating the intelligence of the other people involved and we are prolonging the pain. I do not make this comparison easily, but coming out with the truth is a little like a bad accident – it often comes from the blind side, leaves all the parties bruised or injured, involves a lot of blaming and shaming of self and 3rd parties and a call for justice. It is seldom pretty, but once its done and acknowledged real decisions can be made about insurance payouts, panelbeating or write-offs. Living a lie is different – it is like a slow cancer which leaves everyone dying to some aspect of their lives. It holds everyone captive whilst every party involved is in some way poisoned and pained by toxic ‘medication’ which is being fed, drop by painful, lying drop, to the victim who clings desperately to every shred of hope, until eventually, the blinds are drawn and everyone lives with fear of death.

You playing Mr or Mrs Nice Person serves no-one but yourself. It give you an excuse to not make decisions, to not take action, to continue a self-destructive charade and to betray yourself with every move you make and every step you take. Imagine, for once, that your son or daughter is in the position of your partner – what would you then want for them? What advice would you give them, if they were to ask you. What example would you really want to set for your children?

It happens, very few people that I know consciously goes out looking for relationships out of wedlock, but I do know that some marriages have benefited from a 3rd person coming in to make the couple truly look at their lives, to question their values and dedication, their commitment to one another. It happens, and you should not spend energy blaming yourself, but you have to be truthful.

Start, before anything else, to really look at the fundamentals of your relationship.

· Would you have been open to falling in love with someone else if your relationship was sound?

· Do you and your partner share the same ideals, dreams, values?

· Do you remember what it is that you first loved about that person – and how does thinking about that make you feel now?

· How do you feel about yourself in the relationship?

· Are you able to share your dreams, your fears, your Truth with your partner?

· Do you look forward and could you be excited about to going to bed and waking up next to the same person for the next 15 years?

· If you were to receive really terrible, heart-breaking news about a child or parent today, who would you want to be with?

· Knowing what you do about yourself today, do you still feel the same about your partner and would you make the same decisions you did when you came together?

· Is my relationship a true reflection of my life values?

· What do I need to change about myself right now in order to make my relationship work?

· Is that a change/sacrifice/commitment that I would and can make with absolute conviction?

· Does my relationship offer me unconditional love, commitment, passion, a sense of being desirable and emotional safety?

· Is my relationship an example of what I would one day want for my children?

· Am I passionate and looking forward to seeking answers and working on my relationship with my partner to seek a new beginning?

There are many, many ideas and thoughts that I could share with them, but I am quite sure that if you are able to honestly and with absolute integrity, answer these questions in regard to your current relationship, the ‘other person’ (if there is one) and your future, you should have a much better understanding of where you are heading.

We are all different, each relationship is different and all circumstances are different, but at the end of the day, you still have to live with yourself and you still have to look at yourself in the mirror, no matter who or what you choose. Keep that in mind and strive, always strive, to love yourself first in order for you to have pure and much love to share with those you invite into your life.

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